Searching for….me

A friend told me recently that she has always been a little envious of how positive I am. She said I have a way of taking a bad situation and turning it into something that is only a temporary set back.  I always have a positive word and don’t let anything get me down and keep me there.  But as of lately my words have felt forced, my cloud of positivity has been bleak and I find myself holding onto all the negative things that happen.  I’m at work constantly wondering about leaving; for those who know me, know I love what I do.  I’m stressing about money when I grew up watching the men and women in my family making a dollar out of 15 cents.  I’m looking in the mirror and not seeing the happy, cheerful me.  So this post is about my search for the person who keeps a smile on my face,  constantly has me laughing, and  prays and believes on those prayers.  I’m searching for me!

When I was little, my grandma and I would pray on our knees.   She told me that doing this was us humbling ourselves in order to speak to God.  She’d tell me that praying on your knees helps you to not be boastful or prideful.  She’d say, “Ladybug, when you pray, you have to believe that God is Almighty and He never fails.  But you also have to be patient, because God doesn’t work on your time, but His and His alone.”  Those words stayed with me throughout my life and although I admit I don’t pray on my knees every night, I know where to go when I need some one on one time with God.However, lately I’ve been staying up till the wee hours of the morning and falling to sleep. My insomnia has kept me from doing what I know I need to do. 

Since I haven’t been praying every night, it’s like the weight of the world has been placed on my shoulders.  I’ve been complaining more and focusing more on struggles that I’ve normally placed in God’s hands and trusted it’d be alright.  I’ve been holding on to things that I know aren’t the least bit important.  Nobody and no situation should be able to touch a finger on my joy.  I know some of y’all are saying,  it’s human to vent and have feelings of doubt and even despair.  But let me tell y’all, my ‘vent sessions’ have been going on for weeks and my feelings of doubt hang over my head like a veil.  I also find myself not trusting and pulling away from people I know care about me. What is going on?!? I am a woman of Faith and living and walking by Faith has never left me still reeling after a quick vent session.  I laugh off feelings of doubt and just chalk it up to, ‘hey, I’m loveable me and the Good Lord don’t make no mistakes.’  I choose my friends wisely and know that they only want the very best for me.  Where is that person?!?

I don’t need to search for her.She is here; right here, writing this post.  She knows that it’s time to get back on her knees and talk to God about everything.  It’s time to allow Him to do what He’s always done …never fail.  I’m ready to let go and let God.  See, the minute you admit that you Need God and are ready to let Him in or back in, you take away that power that the enemy had over you.  Today is the day to start being your true self.  Not what others want you to be or who they think you should be.  Let God help, because we can’t fight this battle alone, for the battle really isn’t ours.  I’m ready to get back to the me that I have always been.  I do see the brighter side of things, because I know where my help comes from. I do laugh and smile alot, because I know who my provider is.  I do remain positive, because I know there’s a Blessing in the storm. 

I pray that you are inspired by this post to begin your search soon like today! Be Blessed and find the joy in you 🙂

Advertisements